Permission to Tell

I’m gonna tell on you! Those dreaded words of the playground; when you had done something that you knew was going to land you in trouble.

These were immediately followed by profuse apologies. If my daughters at around age 7 were anything to go by, then you would be aiming for an SPS of about 4. SPS stands for Sorries Per Second! Your SPS would increase based on who you were going to be reported to. For, me it was my dad who would illicit the highest SPS. Not because I would receive a hiding, but because he expected the world of me and to disappoint him would be to sully my reputation in his sight.

Beyond a high SPS, you would also make amends. Promises of better behaviour and if you knew that the tattler was likely to actually tell, then amends flowed fast and furious. Amazingly the threat of telling did not lose us friends, but rather helped us form better relationships. We understood boundaries better and we knew there were consequences to our action

As adults, we seem to have forgotten the importance of setting these boundaries; of forming, storming, norming and performing.

Why did we stop telling?

My guess is that we became hung up on optics. It became more important to look happy than to be happy; more important to look successful than be successful; more important to seem than to be.

It has been a lot harder to keep up the optics in this season. Relationships have been tested in so many different ways.

Families have been forced to be together more than ever before. There are some for whom this has been the proverbial straw and things snapped. For others, it has been a time of discovery and learning. For all, it has been a time of adjusting to a new order. We are forced to be in closer proximity and some of the things we are discovering are disturbing. Before the camel’s back breaks, who can you tell?

Work relationships that were seemingly okay have been tested by distance. Once loyal employees are now having to struggle between work and the pull of duvets, time with the kids, Netflix and experimenting a new recipe. You have noticed some deadlines slipping, some sloppiness enter the fray. Who do you call?

The stresses of life seem to be taking a toll and you see a friend drinking a little too much, driving under the influence, swallowing some pills or smoking something more potent than tobacco. How do you raise this? 

Nobody wants to be considered a snitch; we do not want to hurt our family, friends and colleague’s feelings by sounding accusatory. Even worse if the relationship is not solid as a rock, for this may just break it. So as the Ghost-busters song goes, "Who you gonna call?"

We had a discussion with my hubby around this subject and I suggested that we should have a Tattle Buddy. Somebody who I give him permission to call if he thinks I am out of line and he has reached the end of his tether on what to do. This has to be someone I trust implicitly and someone who has an acute BS-metre and a low BS-threshold. Someone whose values are aligned to mine. After much discussion, we each came up with a name.

What this does for me is that it heightens my awareness, it lets me know that whereas our relationship is private, I cannot be silly and get away with it because he has an authorised Tattle Buddy.

When we took on a new tenant recently, I also asked her for a Tattle Buddy. I asked her for the contact of someone I can call if her rent is in arrears and she refuses to communicate with us. This means that she is aware that if she defaults, she must communicate or else her designated Tattle Buddy gets to hear about it.

When families start to feel the pressure of abuse, whether psychological, emotional or physical, how much better if all parties have the name of a person that they have been expressly told that they can call and report the perpetrator.

How cool would it be if we can tell our children that they can call so-and-so if they sense something is not right in the home? Take the guess work out of who to call in case of emergency.

Think about it. Who should I call if I see you misbehaving and you will not listen to me? Who will listen to me and confront you without judging you?

Who is your Tattle Buddy?

Confidence: The Secret Sauce for Action

My Review of “The Confidence Code: 

The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – 

What Women Should Know”

by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

Being a confident woman, the title of this book enthralled me. Also, because I am surrounded by several women: 2 daughters, 2 sisters, 2 mothers, 2 nieces and several friends and other relations who are female. I was curious about how women viewed confidence and how the world viewed them in light of their confidence or ‘lack-of’.

I must say that I was slightly disappointed by the book and felt that it went round in circles quite a bit; it would have been better as a Paper or a 3-Part article. That said, I did garner some great take-outs from the book.

The book is aimed at the woman, but I took it as a general course in confidence as the tips shared can be useful to men and women alike. What then is the Confidence Code; how does one crack it? Ultimately, the authors break it down into 3 phrases: 

Think Less. Take Action. Be Authentic.

Think Less

This is not a call for thoughtlessness, but rather, a warning not to overthink things as this generally ends up looking like hesitation or not being sure … loosely translating into perceived lack of confidence.  Overthinking also leads us to rehash our past failures and make us doubt our future performance.

Take Action

Nike’s catch phrase, Just Do It, seems to capture the sentiment here. When you "Just Do It", several things happen: If you succeed, you now know you can; if you fail, you either know where your limitations lie and how to improve or where you cannot go and therefore can authoritatively decline to go in that direction in the future.

I like to ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Usually, failure. If you can live with failure, then you can try almost anything. The authors put it this way, “Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.”

This also supports the general management maxim that a bad decision is better than no decision.

Be Authentic

Authenticity is all about being true to yourself.  However, we are sometimes asked to fake it till we make it. Where then, does the balance lie? 

I take great issue with one of the sentiments expressed in the book, that confidence matters more than competence. Possibly because I believe that competence should trump confidence. However, I cannot deny that confidence does get you the opportunity to showcase your competence. The ability to sit straight, walk with purpose and speak clearly will get you the spotlight; your competence will thereafter determine if it shines on you for only 5 seconds or a lifetime.

When a person is authentic, “…they are brave enough to be not only different, but to be themselves.” To be confident, you therefore must be authentic.

Parting Shot

As we bring up our children and mentor those around us, we must provide opportunity and support for them to make decisions and take action. Let them make mistakes and learn from them so that they can be more confident. The book urges us to let go of perfection … “If perfection is your standard, of course you will never be fully confident, because the bar is always impossibly high, and you will inevitably and routinely feel inadequate.”

The authors spoke to one lady who had this to say, that “…she took risks, she was persistent, she worked hard, and even failed. And it worked. Whatever she hadn’t inherited, or soaked up as a child, she created.” We must therefore let those around us know that confidence can be learnt and built.

In doing so, we must be aware of the different personalities we are dealing with. The book terms them as ‘orchids and dandelions’ (exotic flowers versus wild flowers). Some will be able to show their confidence in almost any situation (the dandelion) while others need to be encouraged and supported a lot more (the orchids), but when they bloom their confidence is beautiful to behold.

Ultimately it looks like confidence is a snowball of actions and decisions, the more decisions you make, the more action you take, the more your confidence grows; the more your confidence grows, the more decisions you make and actions you take and so on.

So, go ahead! Do something! Build your confidence!

 

Life Begins at 40! Sham or Truth?

Whoever coined the phrase “Life Begins at 40” cheated us!

Not because it’s not true, but because there is so much that remains unsaid in that statement. It paints a picture of new life, freedom, freshness, possibilities … such great words and feelings. However, it fails to communicate the insecurities, work and turmoil that come along with achieving all these things.

You’ve guessed it, I’m in my 40s – at the very beginning – In fact, I turn 41 this weekend!

The thing about being 40 is that I no longer feel necessarily young. I know that all those in their 50s and beyond think I’m a baby, but fact is; I’ve been alive for FORTY YEARS PLUS …! Those are many years. I have began to feel that freedom of speaking my mind and not being overly bothered about scandalising others (I thought that would come when I turned 60). I guess I’m an early bloomer in that regard.

I was speaking to a younger friend, one in her late 20’s and we were discussing our work and careers. When she heard of the struggle I have been going through in re-defining myself and re-finding myself she exclaimed … “What! I am going to have to do this again?!” Sadly, yes. 

Nobody told us that this thing of finding yourself does not end. First in your teens as you discover a life outside of your family and begin to acquire an identity and personality that is your own and not your family’s. Then again in your 20’s when your existence becomes your responsibility and you have to figure out what that means. In my 30’s this quote by Blair Sabol rang true for me, “When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.” Yet another awakening ... and here we are again; finding myself … again.

Sometimes I get tired of this constant questioning of self to uncover long hidden truths about myself, but when I put in the time and effort, I am also very excited by the gems that I find. For me, so far, being in my 40s has been like moving into an old beautiful house that was once owned by a wealthy royal family of ancient years. The structure is solid, the woodwork is beautiful, but there is some restoration needed, some polishing and waxing required. The piping and wiring have to be completely redone! Every once in a while, however, someone finds a forgotten gem hidden in a basement or attic and when cleaned … voila … priceless!

My structure has to be my values.  These are strong and have brought me this far and will take me forward regardless of the weather. Defining my values and writing them down into a value statement has helped me realise my priorities and has tided me through some tough decisions. It is an exercise I would greatly recommend and would be happy to help with. 

My piping and wiring is all about my motivation and my energy providers. Just like the wires and pipes in a house, these are numerous and often interconnected in ways that I do not realise until something shorts out or gets backed up. Case in point, I did not know that my creative side is a critical part of my life until I got ‘too busy’ to have a creative project. After a while, I got listless and demotivated despite everything else looking rosy. It was only after I re-immersed myself in a project that I realised that my lack of energy did not come from being too busy, but from failing to have at least one creative outlet. From then on, I always have at least one major creative project going on.

So here I am in my 40’s; polishing, cleaning, restoring, de-cluttering, re-wiring. Looked at in that perspective, it really does seem like a lot of drudgery. Without these however, those joys of reclaiming beauty will not be found. 

I have de-cluttered my life quite a bit in the last year and the freshness it has brought has been … refreshing. I have more ‘head-space’ to think in. More clarity about the things I want and those I do not; more clarity in what I am willing to tolerate and what I just cannot stand; more confidence in what I want to pursue and what I must trash.

The Desiderata sums it all beautifully for me … 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Re-setting My Boundaries

This week, I came across an idea that got me thinking about my actions and mindset during this lock-down. It was about how, in times of anxiety or fear, we tend to focus more on ourselves.

I took a step back from my business last year and had taken time to reconsider what I want to focus on in the coming years. It is only in March/April that I was able to reasonably clarify this. This decision, coinciding with a downturn in the economy from the Corona lock-down, made a previously scary move look positively alarming.

My questions around the future felt more urgent and my failure to find any real solutions made me even more anxious. Looking back, I realised that the more uneasy I felt, the more selfish I got. I started looking at life from the perspective of what I believed it owed me. Haven’t I been a good citizen? Haven’t I been a good mother and wife? Haven’t I worked hard all my life? Where was my return? In every situation, I found something that was not working for me!

When I came across the notion of selfishness in times of anxiety, it did not resonate immediately. After all, I do not consider myself a selfish person. However, as I was talking to a friend who was going through a rough patch, I was able to recognise it in someone else … perfect example of seeing the splinter in my friend’s eye before seeing the log in my own.

Now that I saw the log in my own, I saw my selfishness for what it was, I called it out and instantly felt lighter. 

Has my situation changed? No.

However, something more important has changed, my paradigm. 

Some key thoughts have come to me and I hope they challenge you to look deeper at yourself and those around you.

• The Lord calls us to be the salt and light of the earth. Both of these analogies are about improving things other than ourselves – light does not shine for itself, but to illuminate things (and people) around it.
• Salt is an improver.  When asked to provide a symbol of something that represents my role in life, I use a saltshaker. A little salt in food, cake, ice-cream or even drinking chocolate goes a long way to improving its flavour.  That is what I want to be; the person who improves any situation I am in.
• In 10 years’ time when I look back on this season, do I want my memories to be how much time I spent thinking about a situation I can do little about? I think not. So I am going to make memories. I am not going to ignore my situation, but it is not going to consume me. I am going to spend more time with people for whom I can be salt and light.
• I need more boundaries. Boundaries are the only sure way to freedom. Setting limits to the time I will spend in pursuing work for gain will free me up to spend time in activities for leisure, self-discovery and philanthropy.

The future no longer feels as bleak as it did a week ago. 

It now has new possibilities!

 

Negotiating; Necessary Evil or Joy?

My Review of 
“Never Split the Difference; Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It” 
by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz  © 2016

I hate to haggle. I attribute this to spending a number of my formative years in Germany where the price on the tag is the price you shall pay.  If you do not want to pay the marked price, then just walk out of the shop please. I always think that a lot of thought has gone into deciding how to price something, so I generally view the price on the tag as final.

My husband, on the other hand, is an expert haggler. Look for me to regale you with some of his finer haggling moments. That, however, is a story for another day.

I have realised that I live in a world where haggling is a part of life.  I have come to appreciate that it does not only apply to deciding on price points, but on so many other things. I have accepted that I do not like to haggle, but I have to learn how.

So, I went out and looked for a book on negotiation. I prefer the word ‘negotiation’ as it has a less primal sound to it than ‘haggle’; it is more sophisticated and palatable.

Here are some of the lessons that I picked from this book and why I recommend it to you as a great read.

The book is written by a former FBI negotiator! I may never have met one, but I have watched enough movies that I have a healthy respect for what they do. The by-line for the title of the book is therefore very apt; when you are negotiation on the life of a person, you definitely do not want to ‘split the difference’.

As Chris Voss says, “If (he) could dominate the country’s brightest students with just one of the many emotionally attuned negotiating techniques (he) had developed and used against terrorists and kidnappers, why not apply them to business?”. I sure want to learn how to negotiate like him.

He says that the first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it; you just need to understand that’s how the world works. I feel like this was written directly to me. He may as well have been sitting opposite me after coffee and cake (yes, FBI agents can eat cake too) and having listened to one of my many sob-stories of how I got out-negotiated, just slightly leaned forward and said, “Carol, you don’t have to like it, just understand it and make it work for you!

How can I use something I hate?!

Answer? Right in the book! Effective negotiation is applied people smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: how to size someone up, how to influence their sizing up of you, and how to use that knowledge to get what you want. Again, this I can do. People smarts … I have that! In fact, one of my former bosses told me I had off the charts EQ before it became such a buzz word. Sizing people up? That I can do! I love people watching, it just means doing it with people across the table from me, not those walking 20 metres away from me. Using that knowledge …that is the skill I need to build up.

His advice … “Do not get impatient!” Negotiating is a long game; more like Monopoly than Poker.

Just remember, to successfully negotiate it is critical to prepare. You need to know what your end game is … what do you want out of the negotiation? (“write it down and carry it into the negotiation”)  What obstacles are you likely to encounter along the way? What do you stand to lose if the negotiations do not go according to plan? What does your negotiating companion want?

Seek information in advance and then during the negotiation, get more information. If possible, get someone to role play with so that you can see how your prepared questions play out from the other person’s point of view. “If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong.”

 “Great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.” Yes, despite all the homework and preparation, you may still find that you unearth something new. Chris Voss urges us to be willing to “change your approach, based on new evidence, along the way.”   He further warns us that “when someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren’t. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.” Question everything! Clarify everything!

Part of asking questions means that you cannot be a yes-man.  The trick is learning how to “disagree without being disagreeable.” One of the skills that I found useful was that of labelling negativity. I used it recently and the result was that my negotiating companion could not bring up the negativity because I had already stated it. This again goes back to preparation. Thinking about all the negative elements of the negotiation, calling them out (nicely) and countering them with “positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.”

From the foregoing, you can see that negotiation has EQ deep in its DNA.  It is about knowing who you are and being able to recognise what moves your negotiation companion. “Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.” Your listening and observation skills need to be finely honed, your tone of voice must be modulated, you need to know when to mirror and when not to.  In negotiation, “emotion is a tool” which is why “instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them.”

EQ also helps you know when your negotiation companion says ‘yes’ just to get rid of you.  The book offers some tips to help you avoid falling in this trap. One way is to get them to agree to the same thing in different ways. It is unlikely that someone will say yes to you in 3 different ways if they do not mean it.  Another way is to get them to say “That’s right” as opposed to a simple ‘yes’.  “That’s right” is a confirmation that comes harder than a simple yes.

Using your observation skills will also help to determine if you are negotiating with the right person.  It is important to “always identify the motivations of the players ‘behind the table’.” They may not be at the table, but their ability to influence or veto a decision cannot be understated. “The deal killers often are more important than the deal makers.”

Chris Voss says “‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘How’. Asking ‘How’, knowing ‘How’, and defining ‘How’ are all part of the effective negotiator’s arsenal. He would be unarmed without them.”  Getting to “Yes” is therefore not the end of the negotiation, but an opportunity to solidify the relationship by showing the benefit of having come to an agreement.

“Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.” This is achieved by asking “calibrated questions”; questions designed to lead your negotiating companion to come to the same page as you. In asking questions, it is advised to steer away from questions that ask “Why?” as these tend to make people defensive.  Even when looking for motivation, we are advised to try and couch them in ways that start with “What” and “How”.

Further, EQ ensures that we are aware that decisions are not made based on logic alone. Emotion plays a large role and it is for us to be observant enough to sense this and unearth the real driving force behind a decision. This also helps us understand that for most people, they want to ‘feel’ that they have been treated fairly in a negotiation.  Even where logic is in our favour, if the other side feels like they have been treated unfairly, they are likely to reject our solutions.  The book urges us to “know the emotional drivers (of our negotiating companion) and …frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate (with them).”

I was glad that the book did not leave out the element of negotiating around money.  Like I mentioned this is one of my pet peeves. The pieces of advice that stood out the most for me in this are:-

• We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face.  I must admit that I generally will not push back because I think it is embarrassing. Now that I know that this may be used against me, I can push back without fear.  I can lead with … “This may be embarrassing, I cannot pay that. Could you give me a better deal?”
• What else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me?  It is not all about money. See if there are non-monetary things that can sweeten a deal: time, recognition, titles …
• If you offer a range (and it’s a good idea to do so) expect them to come in at the low end. Tailor your offer accordingly.

Finally, the element of timing it right is vital. End of year sales, end month reductions are not a coincidence. We need to work the element of timing into our negotiations.

As I conclude this review, here are some quotes that really resonated with me:-

• “No deal is better than a bad deal.”
• “Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise.”
• “Hope is not a strategy”- Prepare, prepare, prepare.
• “To be good, you have to learn to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be great you have to add to your strengths, not replace them.”
• “Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side.”  It is harder for someone to ignore you or be mean to you when they know your name.
• “The best find ways to actually have fun engaging in it.” My goal is to get good enough to start enjoying negotiating rather than persevering through it.

(all italicised words and phrases are taken straight from the book)

Watch Chris Voss’s TedTalk here: Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference

Get more information on the book here: Never Split the Difference

A Lesson in Cutting Your Coat …

I have a very interesting personality and demeanour.

When you meet me, it is very difficult for you to believe that I have gone through hardship in my life and that I possess manual skills that rival many of my age mates brought up in the rural areas. Great communication skills seem to suggest a life of ease and when you hear that my dad was once a diplomat and I spent my early childhood in Germany, that seals the deal.

If I start with growing up in Germany … it was indeed a time of plenty.  I was after all a diplomat’s child.  It came with cool perks (or so I hear;  I was too young to appreciate more than having great birthday parties). When my dad’s tour of service came to an end, we came back home.  What many people forget is that a diplomat is a civil servant.  By the time we came back from Germany, my dad was only 30, still very young and more significantly, very junior in the civil service … ergo, not well paid.

We therefore shed our diplomatic coats and adorned our new found civil service ones. This meant several changes for us.  5 bedroom villa on half an acre to 3 bedroom maisonette on a sixteenth; posh international school to local government school, 2 mercedes benzes to public transport and a simple saloon car to get us from point A to point B.  All in all not a bad existence.

My dad however, wanted better for his family and so began a search for better paying work, which he got.  Over the next 6 or so years, my dad changed jobs a number of times and we were able to maintain a very decent standard of living (very bourgeoisie, I know). However, sometime in 1995, he lost his job and never found another until the day he died.

We maintained our standard of living for a bit, in the hope that things would get better.  When no job was forthcoming, my mum pulled the plug on our middle class living, called a spade a spade and off we went to a cheaper town. As my dad still had no income, my mum (bless her entrepreneurial spirit) set about finding ways to make some money and to show us that we could survive on far less than we thought.

Survival however, is a very different ball game from middle class living.  Survival means that milk is a delicacy  - this must be the season my dairy intolerance checked in for I did not drink milk for a number of years.  When I was in college, my nails were as pliable as a fresh leaf; simply not enough calcium to harden them.

Survival meant that we drank warm water for lunch – it is truly amazing how little food the body needs. My pictures from that time will show me as waif thin – it had nothing to do with building a model’s figure.

Survival meant learning where to get clothes. At some point, we sold some of our funky middle class clothes so we could get food. I however learnt the art of innovative shopping – I knew all the haunts and how to pick out some great 2^nd hand outfits. While in campus, I held down a job hostessing at a casino and once in a while I was required to wear an evening gown. I loved showing up in my dress bought at some ‘sunshine boutique’ on the edges of a slum; washed, ironed and repaired – and still outshine the wealthy gamblers.

Survival means doing things for yourself – to this day, I hate spending money on the salon and on fundis (craftsmen). I would rather push the job as far as I can and only bring in help when I must. As a result, I am very handy with my tools, hair clipper and needle. When my drain blocks, I do not call a plumber, I buy a 400 shilling jar of drain blocker than I can use 4 times.

Survival means understanding what is essential to your survival versus what is a good to have.

As we face more job losses and pay cuts, do not despair. Aim for survival, you can always find your way back for as long as you stay alive and stay sane. 

A cashmere coat or a cotton coat, both can look great and both can keep you warm.

Purpose Without Title

Anyone who has followed my story knows that the search for purpose has featured strongly in my last couple of years. The journey continues …

In a talk I gave last year (see it here☝), I equated my situation as of being in a room with large windows albeit painted over. I know that something lies beyond the windows, but there is no way of telling what that is. The last couple of years have seen me undertake the laborious work of scraping off that paint to reveal the vista.

The one thing that has been clear to me is that purpose is not a destination, but rather, a journey. Last week, I took another major step in that journey – I finally accepted that not all of us have a purpose that has a title to it. We will not all be the doctor who …; the lawyer who …; the pastor who …; some of us will just be … Finally, I am comfortable with being just, Carol.

In the Bible, Lydia, the woman who sold purple cloth was lauded as one of the first converts to Christianity. I wonder whether she agonised as much as I do about her purpose in life or was she just doing what she needed to do to get by and feed her family; using her gifts to serve her family and community. Yet, she found herself a spot in the Bible.

What of her family – were they Christians? We are unlikely to ever know as this was not captured. If I were her daughter, would I feel compelled to sell purple cloth too so I can be ‘just like mum’? If I decided to be an events planner or a blogger, would I be deemed a failure because I shunned purple cloth?

During this time of physical distancing, I have had time to let the proverbial dust settle and with this I have cleared another pane on my paint laden windows. I have deleted a few things that I thought were important to me but have discovered in this time that I do not care so much for them. I figure, if I  did not have the time to think about these things in the last one month, then it is unlikely that I ever will. So, I have chucked them.

My purpose … still a journey … always will be.

My joy will be in knowing that I have lived today in the best way that I possibly could. That where I fell short, it was not out of spite, but purely because I am human.

I will say, “No!” a lot more and a lot faster as it will move me forward faster, with less baggage and less guilt.

I will ask the hard questions a lot earlier in my relationships so that we can both shed our facades and enjoy each other a lot faster.

I will love my family fully for that is one purpose that I know God put squarely on me and no-one else – only I can be Kariuki’s wife; only I can be Okeefa’s and Michelle’s mum.

The rest will be revealed on the journey.

I plan on enjoying every step.