My Review of
“Never Split the Difference; Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It”
by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz © 2016
I hate to
haggle. I attribute this to spending a number of my formative years in Germany
where the price on the tag is the price you shall pay. If you do not want
to pay the marked price, then just walk out of the shop please. I always think
that a lot of thought has gone into deciding how to price something, so I
generally view the price on the tag as final.
My
husband, on the other hand, is an expert haggler. Look for me to regale you with
some of his finer haggling moments. That, however, is a story for another day.
I have realised that I live in a world where haggling is a part of
life. I have come to appreciate that it does not only apply to
deciding on price points, but on so many other things. I have accepted that I
do not like to haggle, but I have to learn how.
So, I went out and looked for a book on negotiation. I prefer the word
‘negotiation’ as it has a less primal sound to it than ‘haggle’; it is more
sophisticated and palatable.
Here are
some of the lessons that I picked from this book and why I recommend it to you
as a great read.
The book is written by a former FBI negotiator! I may never have met one, but I
have watched enough movies that I have a healthy respect for what they do. The
by-line for the title of the book is therefore very apt; when you are
negotiation on the life of a person, you definitely do not want to ‘split the
difference’.
As Chris
Voss says, “If (he) could dominate the country’s brightest students with
just one of the many emotionally attuned negotiating techniques (he) had
developed and used against terrorists and kidnappers, why not apply them to
business?”. I sure want to learn how to negotiate like him.
He says that the first step to achieving a mastery of daily
negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like
it; you just need to understand that’s how the world works. I feel
like this was written directly to me. He may as well have been sitting opposite
me after coffee and cake (yes, FBI agents can eat cake too) and having listened
to one of my many sob-stories of how I got out-negotiated, just slightly leaned
forward and said, “Carol, you don’t have to like it, just understand it and
make it work for you!
How can I
use something I hate?!
Answer? Right in the book! Effective negotiation is applied people
smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: how to size someone up,
how to influence their sizing up of you, and how to use that knowledge to get
what you want. Again, this I can do. People smarts … I have that!
In fact, one of my former bosses told me I had off the charts EQ before it
became such a buzz word. Sizing people up? That I can do! I love people
watching, it just means doing it with people across the table from me, not
those walking 20 metres away from me. Using that knowledge …that is the skill I
need to build up.
His advice … “Do not get impatient!” Negotiating is a long game;
more like Monopoly than Poker.
Just remember, to successfully negotiate it is critical to prepare. You need to
know what your end game is … what do you want out of the negotiation? (“write
it down and carry it into the negotiation”) What
obstacles are you likely to encounter along the way? What do you stand to lose
if the negotiations do not go according to plan? What does your negotiating
companion want?
Seek information in advance and then during the negotiation, get more
information. If possible, get someone to role play with so that you can see how
your prepared questions play out from the other person’s point of view. “If
you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re
wrong.”
“Great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises
they are certain exist.” Yes, despite all the homework and preparation,
you may still find that you unearth something new. Chris Voss urges us to be
willing to “change your approach, based on new evidence, along the way.” He
further warns us that “when someone seems irrational or crazy, they most
likely aren’t. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden
desires, and bad information.” Question everything! Clarify
everything!
Part of asking questions means that you cannot be a yes-man. The
trick is learning how to “disagree without being disagreeable.” One
of the skills that I found useful was that of labelling negativity. I used it
recently and the result was that my negotiating companion could not bring up
the negativity because I had already stated it. This again goes back to
preparation. Thinking about all the negative elements of the negotiation,
calling them out (nicely) and countering them with “positive,
compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.”
From the foregoing, you can see that negotiation has EQ deep in its
DNA. It is about knowing who you are and being able to recognise
what moves your negotiation companion. “Identify your counterpart’s
negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or
Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.” Your
listening and observation skills need to be finely honed, your tone of voice
must be modulated, you need to know when to mirror and when not
to. In negotiation, “emotion is a tool” which
is why “instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify
and influence them.”
EQ also
helps you know when your negotiation companion says ‘yes’ just to get rid of
you. The book offers some tips to help you avoid falling in this
trap. One way is to get them to agree to the same thing in different ways. It
is unlikely that someone will say yes to you in 3 different ways if they do not
mean it. Another way is to get them to say “That’s right” as
opposed to a simple ‘yes’. “That’s right” is a confirmation that
comes harder than a simple yes.
Using your observation skills will also help to determine if you are
negotiating with the right person. It is important to “always
identify the motivations of the players ‘behind the table’.” They
may not be at the table, but their ability to influence or veto a decision
cannot be understated. “The deal killers often are more important than
the deal makers.”
Chris Voss says “‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘How’. Asking ‘How’, knowing ‘How’,
and defining ‘How’ are all part of the effective negotiator’s arsenal. He would
be unarmed without them.” Getting to “Yes” is
therefore not the end of the negotiation, but an opportunity to solidify the
relationship by showing the benefit of having come to an agreement.
“Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting
your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It
involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one
defining the conversation.” This is achieved by asking “calibrated
questions”; questions designed to lead your negotiating
companion to come to the same page as you. In asking questions, it is advised
to steer away from questions that ask “Why?” as these tend to make people
defensive. Even when looking for motivation, we are advised to try
and couch them in ways that start with “What” and “How”.
Further, EQ ensures that we are aware that decisions are not made based on
logic alone. Emotion plays a large role and it is for us to be observant enough
to sense this and unearth the real driving force behind a decision. This also
helps us understand that for most people, they want to ‘feel’ that they have
been treated fairly in a negotiation. Even where logic is in our
favour, if the other side feels like they have been treated unfairly, they are
likely to reject our solutions. The book urges us to “know the
emotional drivers (of our negotiating companion) and
…frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate (with
them).”
I was glad that the book did not leave out the element of negotiating around
money. Like I mentioned this is one of my pet peeves. The pieces of
advice that stood out the most for me in this are:-
- We don’t compromise because
it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face. I must admit that I
generally will not push back because I think it is embarrassing. Now that
I know that this may be used against me, I can push back without
fear. I can lead with … “This may be embarrassing, I cannot pay
that. Could you give me a better deal?”
- What else would you be able
to offer to make that a good price for me? It is not all about
money. See if there are non-monetary things that can sweeten a deal: time,
recognition, titles …
- If you offer a range (and
it’s a good idea to do so) expect them to come in at the low end. Tailor your offer
accordingly.
Finally,
the element of timing it right is vital. End of year sales, end month
reductions are not a coincidence. We need to work the element of timing into
our negotiations.
As I conclude this review, here are some quotes that really resonated with me:-
- “No deal is better than a
bad deal.”
- “Splitting the difference
is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise.”
- “Hope is not a strategy”- Prepare, prepare, prepare.
- “To be good, you have to
learn to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be great you have to add
to your strengths, not replace them.”
- “Use your own name to
make yourself a real person to the other side.” It is harder for
someone to ignore you or be mean to you when they know your name.
- “The best find ways to
actually have fun engaging in it.” My goal is to get
good enough to start enjoying negotiating rather than persevering through
it.
(all italicised words and phrases are taken straight from the book)
Has my situation changed?
No.
