Life Begins at 40! Sham or Truth?

Whoever coined the phrase “Life Begins at 40” cheated us!

Not because it’s not true, but because there is so much that remains unsaid in that statement. It paints a picture of new life, freedom, freshness, possibilities … such great words and feelings. However, it fails to communicate the insecurities, work and turmoil that come along with achieving all these things.

You’ve guessed it, I’m in my 40s – at the very beginning – In fact, I turn 41 this weekend!

The thing about being 40 is that I no longer feel necessarily young. I know that all those in their 50s and beyond think I’m a baby, but fact is; I’ve been alive for FORTY YEARS PLUS …! Those are many years. I have began to feel that freedom of speaking my mind and not being overly bothered about scandalising others (I thought that would come when I turned 60). I guess I’m an early bloomer in that regard.

I was speaking to a younger friend, one in her late 20’s and we were discussing our work and careers. When she heard of the struggle I have been going through in re-defining myself and re-finding myself she exclaimed … “What! I am going to have to do this again?!” Sadly, yes. 

Nobody told us that this thing of finding yourself does not end. First in your teens as you discover a life outside of your family and begin to acquire an identity and personality that is your own and not your family’s. Then again in your 20’s when your existence becomes your responsibility and you have to figure out what that means. In my 30’s this quote by Blair Sabol rang true for me, “When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.” Yet another awakening ... and here we are again; finding myself … again.

Sometimes I get tired of this constant questioning of self to uncover long hidden truths about myself, but when I put in the time and effort, I am also very excited by the gems that I find. For me, so far, being in my 40s has been like moving into an old beautiful house that was once owned by a wealthy royal family of ancient years. The structure is solid, the woodwork is beautiful, but there is some restoration needed, some polishing and waxing required. The piping and wiring have to be completely redone! Every once in a while, however, someone finds a forgotten gem hidden in a basement or attic and when cleaned … voila … priceless!

My structure has to be my values.  These are strong and have brought me this far and will take me forward regardless of the weather. Defining my values and writing them down into a value statement has helped me realise my priorities and has tided me through some tough decisions. It is an exercise I would greatly recommend and would be happy to help with. 

My piping and wiring is all about my motivation and my energy providers. Just like the wires and pipes in a house, these are numerous and often interconnected in ways that I do not realise until something shorts out or gets backed up. Case in point, I did not know that my creative side is a critical part of my life until I got ‘too busy’ to have a creative project. After a while, I got listless and demotivated despite everything else looking rosy. It was only after I re-immersed myself in a project that I realised that my lack of energy did not come from being too busy, but from failing to have at least one creative outlet. From then on, I always have at least one major creative project going on.

So here I am in my 40’s; polishing, cleaning, restoring, de-cluttering, re-wiring. Looked at in that perspective, it really does seem like a lot of drudgery. Without these however, those joys of reclaiming beauty will not be found. 

I have de-cluttered my life quite a bit in the last year and the freshness it has brought has been … refreshing. I have more ‘head-space’ to think in. More clarity about the things I want and those I do not; more clarity in what I am willing to tolerate and what I just cannot stand; more confidence in what I want to pursue and what I must trash.

The Desiderata sums it all beautifully for me … 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Re-setting My Boundaries

This week, I came across an idea that got me thinking about my actions and mindset during this lock-down. It was about how, in times of anxiety or fear, we tend to focus more on ourselves.

I took a step back from my business last year and had taken time to reconsider what I want to focus on in the coming years. It is only in March/April that I was able to reasonably clarify this. This decision, coinciding with a downturn in the economy from the Corona lock-down, made a previously scary move look positively alarming.

My questions around the future felt more urgent and my failure to find any real solutions made me even more anxious. Looking back, I realised that the more uneasy I felt, the more selfish I got. I started looking at life from the perspective of what I believed it owed me. Haven’t I been a good citizen? Haven’t I been a good mother and wife? Haven’t I worked hard all my life? Where was my return? In every situation, I found something that was not working for me!

When I came across the notion of selfishness in times of anxiety, it did not resonate immediately. After all, I do not consider myself a selfish person. However, as I was talking to a friend who was going through a rough patch, I was able to recognise it in someone else … perfect example of seeing the splinter in my friend’s eye before seeing the log in my own.

Now that I saw the log in my own, I saw my selfishness for what it was, I called it out and instantly felt lighter. 

Has my situation changed? No.

However, something more important has changed, my paradigm. 

Some key thoughts have come to me and I hope they challenge you to look deeper at yourself and those around you.

• The Lord calls us to be the salt and light of the earth. Both of these analogies are about improving things other than ourselves – light does not shine for itself, but to illuminate things (and people) around it.
• Salt is an improver.  When asked to provide a symbol of something that represents my role in life, I use a saltshaker. A little salt in food, cake, ice-cream or even drinking chocolate goes a long way to improving its flavour.  That is what I want to be; the person who improves any situation I am in.
• In 10 years’ time when I look back on this season, do I want my memories to be how much time I spent thinking about a situation I can do little about? I think not. So I am going to make memories. I am not going to ignore my situation, but it is not going to consume me. I am going to spend more time with people for whom I can be salt and light.
• I need more boundaries. Boundaries are the only sure way to freedom. Setting limits to the time I will spend in pursuing work for gain will free me up to spend time in activities for leisure, self-discovery and philanthropy.

The future no longer feels as bleak as it did a week ago. 

It now has new possibilities!

 

Negotiating; Necessary Evil or Joy?

My Review of 
“Never Split the Difference; Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It” 
by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz  © 2016

I hate to haggle. I attribute this to spending a number of my formative years in Germany where the price on the tag is the price you shall pay.  If you do not want to pay the marked price, then just walk out of the shop please. I always think that a lot of thought has gone into deciding how to price something, so I generally view the price on the tag as final.

My husband, on the other hand, is an expert haggler. Look for me to regale you with some of his finer haggling moments. That, however, is a story for another day.

I have realised that I live in a world where haggling is a part of life.  I have come to appreciate that it does not only apply to deciding on price points, but on so many other things. I have accepted that I do not like to haggle, but I have to learn how.

So, I went out and looked for a book on negotiation. I prefer the word ‘negotiation’ as it has a less primal sound to it than ‘haggle’; it is more sophisticated and palatable.

Here are some of the lessons that I picked from this book and why I recommend it to you as a great read.

The book is written by a former FBI negotiator! I may never have met one, but I have watched enough movies that I have a healthy respect for what they do. The by-line for the title of the book is therefore very apt; when you are negotiation on the life of a person, you definitely do not want to ‘split the difference’.

As Chris Voss says, “If (he) could dominate the country’s brightest students with just one of the many emotionally attuned negotiating techniques (he) had developed and used against terrorists and kidnappers, why not apply them to business?”. I sure want to learn how to negotiate like him.

He says that the first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it; you just need to understand that’s how the world works. I feel like this was written directly to me. He may as well have been sitting opposite me after coffee and cake (yes, FBI agents can eat cake too) and having listened to one of my many sob-stories of how I got out-negotiated, just slightly leaned forward and said, “Carol, you don’t have to like it, just understand it and make it work for you!

How can I use something I hate?!

Answer? Right in the book! Effective negotiation is applied people smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: how to size someone up, how to influence their sizing up of you, and how to use that knowledge to get what you want. Again, this I can do. People smarts … I have that! In fact, one of my former bosses told me I had off the charts EQ before it became such a buzz word. Sizing people up? That I can do! I love people watching, it just means doing it with people across the table from me, not those walking 20 metres away from me. Using that knowledge …that is the skill I need to build up.

His advice … “Do not get impatient!” Negotiating is a long game; more like Monopoly than Poker.

Just remember, to successfully negotiate it is critical to prepare. You need to know what your end game is … what do you want out of the negotiation? (“write it down and carry it into the negotiation”)  What obstacles are you likely to encounter along the way? What do you stand to lose if the negotiations do not go according to plan? What does your negotiating companion want?

Seek information in advance and then during the negotiation, get more information. If possible, get someone to role play with so that you can see how your prepared questions play out from the other person’s point of view. “If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong.”

 “Great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.” Yes, despite all the homework and preparation, you may still find that you unearth something new. Chris Voss urges us to be willing to “change your approach, based on new evidence, along the way.”   He further warns us that “when someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren’t. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.” Question everything! Clarify everything!

Part of asking questions means that you cannot be a yes-man.  The trick is learning how to “disagree without being disagreeable.” One of the skills that I found useful was that of labelling negativity. I used it recently and the result was that my negotiating companion could not bring up the negativity because I had already stated it. This again goes back to preparation. Thinking about all the negative elements of the negotiation, calling them out (nicely) and countering them with “positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.”

From the foregoing, you can see that negotiation has EQ deep in its DNA.  It is about knowing who you are and being able to recognise what moves your negotiation companion. “Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.” Your listening and observation skills need to be finely honed, your tone of voice must be modulated, you need to know when to mirror and when not to.  In negotiation, “emotion is a tool” which is why “instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them.”

EQ also helps you know when your negotiation companion says ‘yes’ just to get rid of you.  The book offers some tips to help you avoid falling in this trap. One way is to get them to agree to the same thing in different ways. It is unlikely that someone will say yes to you in 3 different ways if they do not mean it.  Another way is to get them to say “That’s right” as opposed to a simple ‘yes’.  “That’s right” is a confirmation that comes harder than a simple yes.

Using your observation skills will also help to determine if you are negotiating with the right person.  It is important to “always identify the motivations of the players ‘behind the table’.” They may not be at the table, but their ability to influence or veto a decision cannot be understated. “The deal killers often are more important than the deal makers.”

Chris Voss says “‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘How’. Asking ‘How’, knowing ‘How’, and defining ‘How’ are all part of the effective negotiator’s arsenal. He would be unarmed without them.”  Getting to “Yes” is therefore not the end of the negotiation, but an opportunity to solidify the relationship by showing the benefit of having come to an agreement.

“Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.” This is achieved by asking “calibrated questions”; questions designed to lead your negotiating companion to come to the same page as you. In asking questions, it is advised to steer away from questions that ask “Why?” as these tend to make people defensive.  Even when looking for motivation, we are advised to try and couch them in ways that start with “What” and “How”.

Further, EQ ensures that we are aware that decisions are not made based on logic alone. Emotion plays a large role and it is for us to be observant enough to sense this and unearth the real driving force behind a decision. This also helps us understand that for most people, they want to ‘feel’ that they have been treated fairly in a negotiation.  Even where logic is in our favour, if the other side feels like they have been treated unfairly, they are likely to reject our solutions.  The book urges us to “know the emotional drivers (of our negotiating companion) and …frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate (with them).”

I was glad that the book did not leave out the element of negotiating around money.  Like I mentioned this is one of my pet peeves. The pieces of advice that stood out the most for me in this are:-

• We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face.  I must admit that I generally will not push back because I think it is embarrassing. Now that I know that this may be used against me, I can push back without fear.  I can lead with … “This may be embarrassing, I cannot pay that. Could you give me a better deal?”
• What else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me?  It is not all about money. See if there are non-monetary things that can sweeten a deal: time, recognition, titles …
• If you offer a range (and it’s a good idea to do so) expect them to come in at the low end. Tailor your offer accordingly.

Finally, the element of timing it right is vital. End of year sales, end month reductions are not a coincidence. We need to work the element of timing into our negotiations.

As I conclude this review, here are some quotes that really resonated with me:-

• “No deal is better than a bad deal.”
• “Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise.”
• “Hope is not a strategy”- Prepare, prepare, prepare.
• “To be good, you have to learn to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be great you have to add to your strengths, not replace them.”
• “Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side.”  It is harder for someone to ignore you or be mean to you when they know your name.
• “The best find ways to actually have fun engaging in it.” My goal is to get good enough to start enjoying negotiating rather than persevering through it.

(all italicised words and phrases are taken straight from the book)

Watch Chris Voss’s TedTalk here: Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference

Get more information on the book here: Never Split the Difference

A Lesson in Cutting Your Coat …

I have a very interesting personality and demeanour.

When you meet me, it is very difficult for you to believe that I have gone through hardship in my life and that I possess manual skills that rival many of my age mates brought up in the rural areas. Great communication skills seem to suggest a life of ease and when you hear that my dad was once a diplomat and I spent my early childhood in Germany, that seals the deal.

If I start with growing up in Germany … it was indeed a time of plenty.  I was after all a diplomat’s child.  It came with cool perks (or so I hear;  I was too young to appreciate more than having great birthday parties). When my dad’s tour of service came to an end, we came back home.  What many people forget is that a diplomat is a civil servant.  By the time we came back from Germany, my dad was only 30, still very young and more significantly, very junior in the civil service … ergo, not well paid.

We therefore shed our diplomatic coats and adorned our new found civil service ones. This meant several changes for us.  5 bedroom villa on half an acre to 3 bedroom maisonette on a sixteenth; posh international school to local government school, 2 mercedes benzes to public transport and a simple saloon car to get us from point A to point B.  All in all not a bad existence.

My dad however, wanted better for his family and so began a search for better paying work, which he got.  Over the next 6 or so years, my dad changed jobs a number of times and we were able to maintain a very decent standard of living (very bourgeoisie, I know). However, sometime in 1995, he lost his job and never found another until the day he died.

We maintained our standard of living for a bit, in the hope that things would get better.  When no job was forthcoming, my mum pulled the plug on our middle class living, called a spade a spade and off we went to a cheaper town. As my dad still had no income, my mum (bless her entrepreneurial spirit) set about finding ways to make some money and to show us that we could survive on far less than we thought.

Survival however, is a very different ball game from middle class living.  Survival means that milk is a delicacy  - this must be the season my dairy intolerance checked in for I did not drink milk for a number of years.  When I was in college, my nails were as pliable as a fresh leaf; simply not enough calcium to harden them.

Survival meant that we drank warm water for lunch – it is truly amazing how little food the body needs. My pictures from that time will show me as waif thin – it had nothing to do with building a model’s figure.

Survival meant learning where to get clothes. At some point, we sold some of our funky middle class clothes so we could get food. I however learnt the art of innovative shopping – I knew all the haunts and how to pick out some great 2^nd hand outfits. While in campus, I held down a job hostessing at a casino and once in a while I was required to wear an evening gown. I loved showing up in my dress bought at some ‘sunshine boutique’ on the edges of a slum; washed, ironed and repaired – and still outshine the wealthy gamblers.

Survival means doing things for yourself – to this day, I hate spending money on the salon and on fundis (craftsmen). I would rather push the job as far as I can and only bring in help when I must. As a result, I am very handy with my tools, hair clipper and needle. When my drain blocks, I do not call a plumber, I buy a 400 shilling jar of drain blocker than I can use 4 times.

Survival means understanding what is essential to your survival versus what is a good to have.

As we face more job losses and pay cuts, do not despair. Aim for survival, you can always find your way back for as long as you stay alive and stay sane. 

A cashmere coat or a cotton coat, both can look great and both can keep you warm.

Purpose Without Title

Anyone who has followed my story knows that the search for purpose has featured strongly in my last couple of years. The journey continues …

In a talk I gave last year (see it here☝), I equated my situation as of being in a room with large windows albeit painted over. I know that something lies beyond the windows, but there is no way of telling what that is. The last couple of years have seen me undertake the laborious work of scraping off that paint to reveal the vista.

The one thing that has been clear to me is that purpose is not a destination, but rather, a journey. Last week, I took another major step in that journey – I finally accepted that not all of us have a purpose that has a title to it. We will not all be the doctor who …; the lawyer who …; the pastor who …; some of us will just be … Finally, I am comfortable with being just, Carol.

In the Bible, Lydia, the woman who sold purple cloth was lauded as one of the first converts to Christianity. I wonder whether she agonised as much as I do about her purpose in life or was she just doing what she needed to do to get by and feed her family; using her gifts to serve her family and community. Yet, she found herself a spot in the Bible.

What of her family – were they Christians? We are unlikely to ever know as this was not captured. If I were her daughter, would I feel compelled to sell purple cloth too so I can be ‘just like mum’? If I decided to be an events planner or a blogger, would I be deemed a failure because I shunned purple cloth?

During this time of physical distancing, I have had time to let the proverbial dust settle and with this I have cleared another pane on my paint laden windows. I have deleted a few things that I thought were important to me but have discovered in this time that I do not care so much for them. I figure, if I  did not have the time to think about these things in the last one month, then it is unlikely that I ever will. So, I have chucked them.

My purpose … still a journey … always will be.

My joy will be in knowing that I have lived today in the best way that I possibly could. That where I fell short, it was not out of spite, but purely because I am human.

I will say, “No!” a lot more and a lot faster as it will move me forward faster, with less baggage and less guilt.

I will ask the hard questions a lot earlier in my relationships so that we can both shed our facades and enjoy each other a lot faster.

I will love my family fully for that is one purpose that I know God put squarely on me and no-one else – only I can be Kariuki’s wife; only I can be Okeefa’s and Michelle’s mum.

The rest will be revealed on the journey.

I plan on enjoying every step.

My Grief

Grief is real! 

I first encountered grief when my grandfather died. I got to hang out with him over school holidays and he spoilt me rotten; like good grandfathers are supposed to do. He had a certain authority over my life that I cannot explain. From my pronunciation to what activities were befitting his first grandchild. When I was a teen, he sponsored all his grandchildren for a week-long holiday in Diani (in the white sandy southern coast of Kenya). He even allowed me to invite a friend as I had no cousins close to my age. A couple of months after that, he died peacefully (or so we hope) in his sleep. I was sad, but life moved on pretty quick.

Less than a year later, my younger brother also died. He had been sickly from birth and the doctors had given him less than a year to live. Through the grace of God and my mum’s dedication, my brother lived to 13 years. He was disabled and could not do anything for himself, but boy did he have a killer smile and his fingers – so elegant; I am sure he would have been a concert pianist. His death was more painful, more so because it was I that discovered his lifeless body that August morning. I miss him, I miss his smile and his chortles. I have 2 nephews and 1 daughter who look so much like him …

Then the ultimate blow … barely a year had passed. I had just celebrated my 18^th birthday and had gone to Nairobi to visit some friends. My mother got in touch and said my dad had been admitted to hospital and I should come home. I did so the following day, but visiting hours at the hospital were over … I would visit tomorrow. “Tomorrow”, did not go as planned; we got to the hospital bright and early, hoping to see my dad on our way to an uncle’s wedding. His bed however was empty. He had died in the wee hours of that morning. That day was a blur; we attended the wedding for to miss it would have been odd, but at the same time, how do you enjoy a wedding when your father just died. Neither my mum nor I knew what to do. Oh the pain!

I’ve heard it said that death is final, but not so if you have lost a loved one. 25 years since I tasted death for the first time and I can tell you that there is no finality about death. There is no ‘closure’. For me, it’s been year after year of remembering. A song here, a hairstyle there, the smell of food, the smell of medicine. The emotions are just as real today as they were then – sometimes joy at remembering and sometimes pain at the loss. Sometimes the tears flow hot and fast and I ceased apologising for them. Now, I embrace the tears for as the Psalmist says, “Joy comes in the morning”.

In the last few years, I have lost friends and acquaintances and every once in a while, I forget that they are no longer in this life. I scroll through my phone and see texts shared and I feel sad all over again. I see a photo of a person I will never see again this side of eternity and my heart breaks afresh. Though I may feel like I have lost, I feel like a fraud for surely I have not lost as much as their spouses, their children, their parents. Then I remember that even in their grief, the business and busyness of life must go on. Children must be educated, life insurance must be pursued, court process must be initiated – oh how tiresome – and all this while the heart is still raw!

Is there a cure for grief? They say that time heals. I do not thing that it does – for me, it merely dulls the pain, making it possible to take that step to staying alive another day. It make it possible to go a day without breaking down, then you go a week, then a month, and before you know it, you no longer remember the last time you had a good cry over your loved one. At first you feel guilty … how can I forget, but time teaches us that we can go on, indeed we must go on.

Having suffered these losses, I was surprised to feel the same emotions last year. Who had died? Nobody! Why then was I grieving? I had just shed one persona (this was not a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario) and I felt lost. My grief is all too familiar and now I know that I must let time work its course and before too long, the business and the busyness of my life will allow me embrace this new me without feeling guilty about letting the old me go.

As life has it, I know not the next object or subject of my grief, only that it will come and when it does, I must strive to overcome it lest it overcome me.

My grief is real, but it is not bigger than me.

The 'Backslide'

I have been a Christian for slightly over 10 years now.  I know that may sound odd because my parents went to church and so did I for almost all my life.  However, 10 years ago, I finally got it! I understood what it meant to let go and let God, to surrender myself to Him and to get saved.

I had heard of people ‘backsliding’ ever since I was in high school and it was always associated with a good ‘Christian’ who suddenly started to go wrong. Started doing things that were considered ‘un-Christian’.  How far from the truth this is!  You see, when you think of backsliding it is not about action, it is about INACTION.

I recently found myself in a space where I sensed a distance between God and I. I know that God is the same yesterday, today and forever, therefore His position did not change.  Thing is, I had not done anything distinctly wrong or rebellious, but still … that distance was feeling more and more real every day.

Then it came to me; this is what a backslide is!

I am standing there, my eyes on the Lord, doing nothing.

Then ever so slowly, I start to move back.  Initially, the movement is slow and unnoticeable, but when I start to feel the distance, it’s like momentum starts to build and I start to panic. Why am I sliding back? I haven’t done anything wrong, my eyes and my spirit are still fixed on the Lord, so why am I sliding back?!

It’s because I am doing nothing to move forward!

What a revelation! How true this is of so many things in our lives. Be it marriage, friendship, career, self-rejuvenation, getting fit, planning for retirement … the list is endless.  We stand there with our eyes on the goal, with our hearts fully committed, yet at the end of the year or month or decade, we seem so much further from our goal; without having actively moved away from it.

That is the backslide!

I was keeping my eyes on the Lord, but I had stopped moving towards Him; I was not reading the Bible, my devotion was sketchy, my service was quiet, my prayers – perfunctory!

At this point, one of two things will happen…

Scenario 1 – you realise you are in the backslide, you panic because you feel you have put too much distance between you and God and you can never make it back to where you were before, so you give up; you turn around, turn your back against the Lord and you walk away … actively leaving Him behind.

Scenario 2 – you realise you are in the backslide, you remember how great it was to bask in the glory of God and you decide to ask Him for help, to get you back to where you were.  He is a faithful God, He will answer, He will restore. After all, the only reason you were able to get close to Him before was by His grace. You surrender afresh and before you know it, you are actively moving back towards the Lord.

The backslide has been arrested!