I Cannot Breath!

In ... Out ... In ... Out

You don’t know the rhythm of your breath unless you have had difficulty breathing. 

I am not asthmatic, I have no respiratory illness that I know of ... yet, I cannot breathe. I breathe in, but don’t feel the relief of oxygen. My brain tells me, I’d be dead if I wasn’t breathing, but my body seems to have forgotten what to do with the oxygen it takes in. 

People are all around me and I know that I look normal, but ... I cannot breathe!

Is this what suffocation feels like? Like a heavy man has sat on my chest ... wait! I’m sitting upright so no-one can sit on my chest.  Yet ... I still cannot breathe.

I’ve had a tough week and today, I get go home. I’m so excited, but the emotions of the last 5 days (5 days!!!) are crushing me. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel ... to feel scared or overwhelmed, to feel excited ... I just got through. I’ve become an expert at getting through... but now, waiting to go home ... I just want to cry, but I can’t and because I can’t, I cannot breathe.

In ... Out ... In ... Out ... Is this what they teach you in Lamaze ... just keep breathing.

My mind tells me, I’m OK, but my lungs don’t seem to have gotten the message. I think I once read that lack of oxygen causes light headedness ... Is that what I’m feeling? My head doesn’t quite feel right ... Will I pass out? But, I can’t, no, I won’t ... after all I’m breathing fine. In ... Out ... In ... Out...

People are crowding me, will they notice the panic in my eyes? ...but I’m strong, why am I panicking? I don’t want them to know that I’m panicking ... Am I panicking? I don’t know!

In ....... Out ... In ........ Out ... In ...... Maybe if I breathe IN more than I breathe out, the oxygen will flood my system and I will stabilise ... In ....... Out ... In ........ Out ... In ......It’s not working!

In ... Out .......... In ... Out ........... In ... The opposite has no effect either. And before I can stop myself, the tears are here, I hope this brings relief. I want to scream, but I may cause a panic and I do not wish to be detained, so I scream silently and I keep at it ... In... Out ... In ... Out ... In ... Out ...

This too shall pass ... In ... Out ... In ... Out ...